InsaneJournal

Current mood:	confused
Entry tags:	light blythe l frank dream

Entry #D-6: "Darker"
[audio recording]



Last night was much like the first night Blythe and I spent together. I am happiest when good things remain unchanged. A piece of love... peace and love. Things I couldn't know in my other life.

Once when I was fourteen, Watari sat down with me and we had a "talk." He told me about a group of women. Very attractive and very smart, and all of them were interested in having children with my DNA. I was scarcely old enough to even imagine reproducing, and I've always been younger than my years... so what got through to me was that, even though I was still a child, the adults in my life were already planning for my death.

I told Watari so, and he colored and said that it was nonsense, that it was simply never too early to plan for such an occurrence (in those exact words.)

He gave me a set of dirty magazines. One with girls and boys, and one with girls and girls, and one with pretty boys and one with men called "bears." He also gave me a plastic cup, and said that I'd figure it all out.

I didn't figure it out. I looked at the magazines for a while, and what they did with parts I didn't often see in real life, as people wore clothing over them. It looked painful and confusing, and that's what having children has meant to me since. I gave Watari back the magazines and the cup and asked him not to bring it up again, and he said he'd wait until I was older.

I repeated my request firmly and adamantly. He said that he hoped that someday, I might feel differently. And then I tore up the magazine with "bears" and the one with girls and boys, and curled up and would not speak until Watari promised to not bother me with it again.

He stopped.

I'm older now. And I feel differently now.

But last night, when I was with Blythe, I had another dream. I dream when I'm near her... it's the strangest thing.

We were both children, Blythe and I. I wish I could have known her when I really was a child, because we would have been friends, for true. She and I were playing dolls with someone who looked like Dorian with Kain's hair and eyes. That was very strange, especially since I never actually saw either of their eyes. When I was a child, I couldn't look at eyes... anyway. We played dolls, and mine had pins in her body. She looked like the girl-child in the dream I had before... I tried to take the pins out, but they bled when I pulled at them, so I thought it best to leave them.

There was a tall man I could look straight in the face, because he had no eyes. Just skin stretched over empty sockets... but he was Light. Dressed like my stepfather. He'd put the pins in the doll, and I knew but could not speak (this was also true, when I was a child.) And he held a mirror so that I couldn't see Blythe, and then hit it with my head... it broke, and I bled... and I knew that Blythe was bleeding somewhere, too.

I change, with Blythe. Like a caterpillar or a seed, I change--or grow-- in a wonderful way. But change can be frightening... and though I think that dreams are trifles, I can't help but wonder about what I see, and what I know, and what I feel could happen at any moment.

Frank helped, though. Frank doesn't give himself enough credit, for how much he helps.