InsaneJournal

Entry #D-4: "Doom"
[audio recording]



*sounding somewhat shaken*

So... so it's the autistic kid, in me... but I don't know how to cope with this latest turn of events. The best laid plans of mice and men, I guess... but I never thought that things could go so badly so quickly.

Why did I have to get Blythe involved with this? It was selfish, and I am a monster... I have already killed her.

Why did I have to save Light? I could have killed him. I could have left him to die alone.

I have already killed her.

If he even thinks about hurting an eyelash of hers... no. No, I can't promise that... because there will be times I can't protect her. There will be moments when we're apart, or my back is turned... and he will take advantage of those moments.

Happiness has a price... it does, but my happiness isn't worth putting her in danger.

I've already killed her. Less than three days, and I've already killed her. I feel like I need to see her... I need to know that she is safe... but part of me doesn't trust myself to leave my room. In fact, I've lost all desire to eat, sleep, or even move. Frank has been in and out a few times, this last day, and has not questioned... he is very good, at keeping his distance. I could learn a thing or two from him, because I've already killed her...

I'm no longer facing Moriarty... it's me against Mr. Hyde, now, and the unpredictability of this situation is highly... undesirable...

Light could be bluffing, but... no. No, that's very wishful thinking. There are so many possibilities, but they all die in the theoretical sequence of events I propose before I can think them through to their conclusions. Or the conclusions end in death. Sometimes for both of us, and always for Blythe.

I never used to think like this, but maybe I should... no. No no no no no. That would create more trouble, and hurt Blythe more deeply than she is capable of bearing. Not to mention Frank, and Dorian, and anyone else who has somehow come to care for me during this strange time. And yet... it would keep her safe. Light would have no reason to hurt her if... NO. That is what Light wants me to do. What Kira wants me to do...

I love her so... but my God, I've already killed her. I should have killed Light. I should have killed LIGHT!

If his life is in my hands again, I will do the right thing and get rid of it. And now... now I hold Blythe's life... and it is so fragile that just knowing I hold it can destroy it.

I want to see her. I want to hold her, and hear her heart beat, and to know that she is all right. But every time I see her, I fall so deeply in love with her that I could drown... or be tossed back and forth like a ship in a terrible storm.

She is dead already. I am half-dead, and soon, that will only be half-true.

I should not talk to my journal, when I am upset. I should talk to Frank. He knows about life where my experience fails me.