InsaneJournal

Current mood:	frustrated
Entry tags:	l field will blythe frank henry dorian f

Entry #C-9: "Chokehold"


[audio recording]

I have a hold on this. I'm completely in control. I haven't lost it.

AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!! WHO THE FUCK AM I KIDDING!?

*deep breaths*

It's a big field. At least two miles away from everything else. No one can hear me. So it only makes sense that I'm free to do or say whatever I want. Like, there's a rock. I'm going to KICK that rock. I'm going to kick it as hard as I can and KILL IT!!!

*pause*

Ow. Ow, shit, ow ow ow ow ow ow....

*laughter*

Fuck Light with razorblades and iodine salt. It's not paranoia if someone's really out to get you, is it?

I want to WIN this war. If Will is suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and knows it, why is he leaving it to me to diagnose and coddle him? The Light situation is so delicate and so precarious as it is that it would be absolutely idiotic for me to spend all my time arguing with an alcoholic ex-cop. So he has issues. I'VE GOT A LIFETIME SUBSCRIPTION!!! Who does he think I am, to excuse his behavior?

So. He apologizes. Once, I solved a case in which the rapist and killer of a six-year-old girl apologized. Little Erica's parents weren't all that comforted. The fact is that Strix's body amplified whatever Will was already feeling. If Will already feels like murdering people, shouldn't someone do something? Back in the day, we called this sort of thing a "cry for help," and we answered it.

Even Blythe can't see it... and that was worse than everyone else in Asgard put together. I can't be angry at her... if I were her, I wouldn't trust me. Even though I was there, and Frank was there... it's Will's word over mine.

I love her so much.

And Will is trying to turn her against me. Along with Dorian, and the handful of others I was beginning to connect with.

I knew Will before. He was never, ever this bad. And he doesn't actually know the whole story about what was going on from my perspective. He doesn't want to know. He was a liability then, and he's a liability now...

.....

It'll happen, again, just like last time. I'll die knowing that I was right, and I'll still be the only one. Why am I even trying?

I have to meet Blythe in a little while. If I didn't have that appointment to keep, I think that I'd just lie here until ants ate me.

But the ants can't get too close... the spiders will eat them before they try to eat me....

I'm going to turn off the microphone and scream some more. Later, when I've calmed down a bit, I'll listen to this recording again.